It's dark and quiet. Morning. I actually didn't even realize it was morning, it's so gloomy.
I quietly came downstairs, as to not wake your sleeping sister, and brewed a pot of hazelnut coffee. I poured a cup into one of those funky mugs made by a local ceramic artist. I got a couple of the artist's "perfectly imperfect" pieces for ridiculously cheap--they called my name.
As I sip my coffee, I am watching your sweet sleeping sister on the baby monitor. Marveling at the fact that I have these few quiet moments with my thoughts, my memories. Recognizing that I have been blessed more than most; though, I have also lost more than most.
I woke up this morning with you on my mind. I miss you. Terribly. With every beat of my heart. My hands ache to hold you. My eyes long to see your cherubic face. A piece of my heart is missing without you.
The memories are different now, four years later. Fuzzier. They lack the clarity of reality that they once had. Sometimes, that makes me sad. Sometimes, I think it's for the best, like it's my mind's attempt to protect me from continuous pain.
Your sister is so amazing. She has brought me back from the walking dead. She reminds me of you sometimes--a small turn in her head, the breath of a giggle, a twinkle of knowing in her eye, her radiating beauty.
At the same time, she is so very different! So. Different. I have to remind myself of that a lot. Especially when I get scared, when the fear from my past experiences threatens to break me into a million pieces.
I remind myself that your journeys are not the same, and that is by divine design.
You were an angel, a gift borrowed from Heaven. And your purpose was fulfilled after four short years. Your sister is a little miracle too. But, I feel certain in my heart, that her purpose has a long term goal.
So, four years later, life is nothing like I pictured it would be.
Four years later, I still miss you terribly.
Four years later, there is still plenty of pain, but there is so much joy too!
So. Much. Joy.
Because, you taught me to see it. You taught me to appreciate it. You taught me to recognize that there is beauty in the storm. You taught me to open my eyes, my mind and my heart and accept the littlest gifts. Gifts that I would have never thought were gifts in the first place.
Thank you.
Thank you for making me a mother.
Thank you for shaping me into a better version of myself.
Thank you for giving me four beautiful years of memories.
Thank you for watching over me.
Thank you for sending me your sister--I know you had a hand in it.
I love you to the moon and back again, across planes of being, for eternity. Until we meet again, a piece of my heart is with you, always. Until we meet again, I will commit to living my best life--for myself, for your sister and in your honor.